there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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