my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
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I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
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Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
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