so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
