We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
