he thought i was a dude.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
