btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
