we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
