Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize