the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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