Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
