this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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