Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
