We're like a lot better than the average bears
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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