The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
