Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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