Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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