That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
