Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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