I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My ATM looks so different sober.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
