Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I want to be your penis for a week.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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