i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you win again, gameday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
