So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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