my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
