I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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