My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
