Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
