omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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