and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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