Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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