Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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