Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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