I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
