i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
