I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
