thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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