youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
