i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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