the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
