I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
