i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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