the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
