u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I need water and some morals
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
