Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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