im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
