Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
