I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
