Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
