i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
