I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
