I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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