i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
