i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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