I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
