fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
